Do Trees Make Good Pets?
… and other important questions nobody bothered to ask our columnist
by Al Diamon, AlDiamon@HerniaHill.net
People are so thirsty for knowledge of the Maine outdoors, they even ask advice from me (a person who never goes outdoors). Unfortunately, their parched throats make them difficult to understand, so I just made some stuff up.
Q: I’m thinking of getting a pet that enjoys being out in nature. Is a tree a good choice?
A: As with most pets, there are plusses and minuses in adopting a tree. On the positive side, they don’t track mud into the house, jump on strangers or require you to clean their litter box. They’re also easy to train. Order your tree to stay, and it almost always will. They do, however, shed, and no matter how you try to teach them otherwise, they’re going to bark. And if a high wind topples your tree onto your roof, it gives a whole new meaning to the term housebreaking.
Q: What is the best music to listen to while fishing?
A: Baithoven, of course.
Q: Speaking of fishing, do you have some suggestions for reducing my carbon footprint while engaging in this activity?
A: You bet I do. The first step you should take is replacing your old gas-powered fishing rod with one that uses solar or wind energy. Renewable power is not only better for the environment, but it also has the added benefit of being quieter, so it doesn’t scare away the fish. And if nothing is biting, you can connect a toaster oven to the rod and make yourself a nice hot lunch.
Q: My rustic hunting camp is infested with mice. I’ve tried all manner of traps, but the little boogers keep coming back. Do you have any helpful hints for making my retreat rodent-free?
A: Do I ever. What you need is the new and improved Mouse Mine™. This dime-sized explosive device can be placed on any flat surface where you’ve seen indications of mouse activity. When one of those critters steps on the little circle, it’ll blow them to pieces. It’s quick and sorta humane, although it does tend to leave bits of mouse fragments on the walls and ceiling. But you probably haven’t cleaned those surfaces since disco was popular the first time, so the mess will provide the incentive you need to do a little scrubbing. And removing all that grime has been known to make all the inside dimensions of your camp a half inch wider. (A footnote: The same company that makes the Mouse Mine will soon be introducing the Cockroach Claymore™. Equally lethal results are guaranteed.)
Q: Aren’t these devices dangerous? And do you have any financial interest in the company that makes them?
A: Come on, how many fingers do you actually need? I can type and open beer cans with only two. And no, I’m not affiliated in any way with the manufacturer, who is merely a close friend or possibly a relative who owes me money.
Q: I want to spend more time in nature, but I’m terrified that when I’m walking in the woods or fields, I’ll suddenly be attacked by fearsome creatures that will leave my poor body a desiccated wreck. Should I carry a gun? A knife? A bazooka?
A: Use DEET. It’ll keep those black flies away.
Q: I wasn’t referring to bugs. I just saw the movie “Cocaine Bear,” and I’m told there’s now a Winnie the Pooh slasher film. What do I do if I run into something like that?
A: You should definitely skip the Pooh slasher flick. It gives the genre a bad name. As for real bears, the makers of the Mouse Mine have the product for you. It’s called the Bear Bomb™. Just pull the pin and toss it in the general direction of the offending beast. Then duck.
Q: If you’re being annoyed by inebriated yahoos on personal watercraft, is it OK to use torpedoes?
A: Yes. I’m afraid the makers of the Mouse Mine haven’t yet released a product designed to deal with this annoyance. But I hear rumors the Drunken Depth Charge™ is in development.
Q: Is that mean editor still deleting all your best jokes before publishing your column? Do you want me to come to his office and give him a sound thrashing?
A: Is that you, Mom? I thought so. I’m afraid he is, but no need for you to involve yourself. I’m told Mouse Mine, Inc. will soon be offering the Editorial Explosive™. (Please note: The Editorial Explosive only damages the editor’s delete button. No editors were harmed in the production of this article.)